Sunday, April 11, 2010

Soul searching..

That day my mum uploaded some funny pictures of houses, and she dedicated this picture to me. She said that this is my house, trapped between two ambitions. It was funny but true enough, she knows what's running inside my head even though i did not tell her directly that indeed, i'm trapped between 2 ambitions. Man, mother's instinct is powerful. She could straight away diagnose my disease just by listening to my groans and moans.

And now i'm more confused.
During my early housemanship i was very certain what my direction in future is. I came up with some plans to get what i want. I tried to find some info's in my field of interest. And i thought i've found what i'm passionate about. But somehow, being in medical posting for quite some time now, i learned about life and its realities. I see things that previously i did not. From our political discussion during ward rounds, I learned about the good, the bad and the ugly about the health system we are currently in.

And more importantly, i met people who really inspire me.
I met doctors who have high threshold of patience.
People who don't quickly pass a judgement.
Those who obviously frustrated with the system, but stayed in government to serve the people.
Specialists who are humbly telling me he doesn't know this and that.
Those who show me which management is deemed irresponsible, and instead told me do the right thing in a given circumstance.

Those who are busy doing calls but still energetic and managed to control their anger when the going gets tough.These people make me see my own weakness and show me the attitudes i have to improve.
 I met people with good hearts, who make me question myself, what kind of person that i want to be and how do i see myself in a few years time?

I've been thinking about this for a year,reading articles and books about living a fruitful life and doing well in jobs that we enjoy. And i've found my potential in both sides of my ambition.But it's like riding a roller coaster, up and down here and there, and I still haven't got the definite answer.

Am i bored or enjoying myself?
Hmm. Maybe i need more time and give myself more chance.

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