Buat Sahabat Tersayang (you know who you are)

Buat sahabat yang ku cintai dan kasihi kerana Allah swt...

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah....

First of all, maaf sebanyak2nya sebab surat ni aku terpaksa tulis untuk tatapanmu sahabat.. Sejujurnya, tiada niat lain titipan ini terhasil, melainkan sbg tanda kasih padamu sahabat, yg sesungguhnya aku kasihi hanya kerana Allah. Moga Allah berkati setiap tulisan ini dan pintu hati kita semua terbuka untuk ambil iktibar mana yang baik daripadanya..

p/s- maaf sebab tarpaksa meng’aku’ dan meng’kau’kan tulisan di bawah, sebab itu adalah ‘kita’...


Sahabat,

Alhamdulillah.. Almost 6 years we knew each other. 6 tahun terbaik dalam hidup, yg pastinya takkan dan sgt mustahil utk dilupakan. Sahabatku, Allah takdirkan kau hadir dlm hidup ini di waktu aku tercari2 makna dan haluan hidup yg sebenar. Kau tunjukkan jalan untuk aku mengenali Allah dan Rasul spt yg dikehendakiNya. Kau bimbing diri yg serba jahil dan ‘tak tahu’ ini untuk menjadi at least ‘nak tahu’. Alhamdulillah... U could never imagine how grateful I am (and we are) to have u in our life, giving us the wonderful colours..Truly!

Tapi kenapa sahabat, sejak akhir2 ini, semakin selalu aku dengar perkhabaran sedih dari dirimu? Pertama2 nya, wajib untuk kau faham bahawa aku bukan sekali2 mengeluh dgn khabar itu! Tidak dan takkan sekali2! In fact, aku bersyukur sebab terpilih untuk jadi tempat kau luahkan masalah.. Walaupun diri ni tak byk membantu, tapi kau pilih juga aku untuk mendengar..jazakillah

Tapi sahabatku, sudah setahun lebih kita di sini- di alam yg baru ini.. Aku tak nafikan, aku juga lemah.. Selalu tercari2 makna takdir yg Allah tentukan.. Alhamdulillah, hasil dorongan family dan sahabat2 yg tak pernah putus jd sumber kekuatan, and of course, belas kasihan dari Allah yg Maha Penyayang..I'm getting better..Segala puji bagi Allah..

Sahabat, bukan ini dirimu yg ku kenal. Jgn pernah berubah sahabat..

Sahabatku yg kukenal sgt kental jiwanya. Rela berdiri dgn gagahnya walaupun hanya dia, asalkan tahu kebenaran itu miliknya! Sahabatku yg ku kenal juga sanggup kekal di situ, walaupun melihat pendirian yg kau perjuangkan, dan perubahan yg kau mahu tidak diendahkan. Kau juga sanggup menetapkan hatimu dan menguatkan perasaanmu walau diuji pelbagai kesulitan.. Itu dirimu yg ku kenal!

Sahabat,

Suatu hari ketika di A&E, seorang makcik dibawa ke rhesus dlm keadaan menangis.. Dia jatuh ketika sedang bekerja di satu pusat membeli belah- ketika sedang membuang sampah. Hati terdetik, makcik setua ini masih bekerja seberat itu?

“ Tak nak operate.. tak nak operate..” Sadis aku mendengarkannya. Tangisannya seperti kanak2 kecil.

Right hip x-ray- intertrochenteric fracture..

Bila aku smpi berita tu padanya, dgn serta merta- “ Makcik da ok! Da sihat.. Tak sakit dah. Boleh jalan dah..” Waktu tu, not even a single movement at her right hip..

Dalam waktu yg sama aku melihat seorang pemuda mengintai2 pintu rhesus dalam keadaan mata yg merah dan muka yg basah dgn air mata.. He requested to see a male doctor, who’s also my friend. Rupa2nya pemuda itu adalah anak patient ku tadi. Dia merayu pada kawan ku utk membeli hensetnya, kerana mereka yg hanya tinggal berdua, menyewa di sebuah bilik kecil, don’t have money even for registration!

Aku terus keluar berjumpa pemuda itu yg masih teresak2 di luar rhesus sambil memeluk beg galasnya..

“ Kenapa sedih sgt ni dik..”

“ Akak.. Saya ada mak saya je kat dunia ni. Esok baru saya nak start keje 1st day.

Tiba2 jadi begini.. saya xde duit langsung kak... mcm mana nak byr duit hospital? Kalau kene bedah, saya takda duit lansung kak..”
Mencurah2 air mata pemuda itu tanpa segan...

Sahabatku,

Lihatlah bagaimana mereka berjuang dgn takdir hidup mereka.. Bagaimana dgn kita sahabat? Tanyalah sesiapa shj, pasti akan kata profesion kita ini mulia if betul pembawakannya. But on top of that, what about us? Tak dinafikan, ramai yg realized diri mereka tak sesuai jadi doctor once start bekerja.. Tapi siapa kita nak melawan takdir sahabatku? Hari ini kita di sini, but who knows di mana kita pd hari esok dan esok.. dan hiduplah to the fullest for today... Redha dan syukur sahabat dgn takdir yg cantik ini.

Sahabat,

Kita harus sedar, semakin byk keluhan, semakin resah dan sempit rasa dada.. If kita keep saying “ I don’t like this and that..” despite of, “ Alhamdulillah, permudahkan Ya Allah..”, selagi tu hari2 kita sukar dan penat sahabat..

Jom sahabat, kita sama2 bangun! Bukankah kita sudah ada impian untuk manage the first female hospital in Malaysia? It still on..so on! So kita kena kuat!
Jadikan mati sebagai ingatan.. hidupkan sisa hari2 kita dalam syukur dan tenang. Jgn sampai Allah jemput kita kembali dlm ketidaksyukuran, dalam kegusaran akan takdirnya, dan dlm kerebahan. Nauzubillah!!

Sahabat dunia akhirat ku..

Sekali lagi, i’m truly sorry sebab cannot put all these in words.. I’m hardly thinking of this decision for long times. And finally, tulisan ni pun terzahir jg sbb I really want u to be happy my dear. To be the real you, who inspired us most of the times! Please turn back!

Paling penting, jgn sesekali ingat aku sudah penat dengar keluhan mu sahabat. Tidak dan takkan sekali2. I’ll be here for you and will always be.. Kan kita dah janji nak bersahabat lagi di syurga? =) Moga Allah melindungimu sahabatku.. Moga kau bahagia dan tenang selalu...
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Soul searching..

That day my mum uploaded some funny pictures of houses, and she dedicated this picture to me. She said that this is my house, trapped between two ambitions. It was funny but true enough, she knows what's running inside my head even though i did not tell her directly that indeed, i'm trapped between 2 ambitions. Man, mother's instinct is powerful. She could straight away diagnose my disease just by listening to my groans and moans.

And now i'm more confused.
During my early housemanship i was very certain what my direction in future is. I came up with some plans to get what i want. I tried to find some info's in my field of interest. And i thought i've found what i'm passionate about. But somehow, being in medical posting for quite some time now, i learned about life and its realities. I see things that previously i did not. From our political discussion during ward rounds, I learned about the good, the bad and the ugly about the health system we are currently in.

And more importantly, i met people who really inspire me.
I met doctors who have high threshold of patience.
People who don't quickly pass a judgement.
Those who obviously frustrated with the system, but stayed in government to serve the people.
Specialists who are humbly telling me he doesn't know this and that.
Those who show me which management is deemed irresponsible, and instead told me do the right thing in a given circumstance.
Those who are busy doing calls but still energetic and managed to control their anger when the going gets tough.These people make me see my own weakness and show me the attitudes i have to improve.
 I met people with good hearts, who make me question myself, what kind of person that i want to be and how do i see myself in a few years time?

I've been thinking about this for a year,reading articles and books about living a fruitful life and doing well in jobs that we enjoy. And i've found my potential in both sides of my ambition.But it's like riding a roller coaster, up and down here and there, and I still haven't got the definite answer.

Am i bored or enjoying myself?
Hmm. Maybe i need more time and give myself more chance. Read more!

Bersabar dengan manusia

The lesson i have to learn today is: Be patient.

#1 - everyday i keep getting complains from Aunty N's husband:
the nurses aren't doing their jobs.
the nurses would not listen to his inquiries.
each time he asks for something the only answer that he gets is 'Tunggu'
they put her on drip on daytime when she's supposed to be on drip at night.
nobody changed her bed sore dressing when it's already wet.
everything is slow.
things have to be changed.
bla bla bla.

and the nurses would say that:
the husband demands too much.
they are busy attending many patients.
they will do it not to worry.
bla bla bla.

*both sides hate each other and im the one trapped in the middle to listen to everybody's nag. Politics at work. Pergh.

#2 - somehow 1 nurse did not stop talking for almost 1 hour telling me her marriage problem. how her husband is so quiet and she's bored. how she is in contact with her ex-admirer and both of them wish to be with 1 another but both are married. i wonder why she told me all these. hope i didnt give the wrong advice.

*marriage is scary

#3 - i pushed the lift button.
waited for a moment.
and i pushed it again.
"sabar,dik.sabar"
i think my face was all red, felt like i was struck by lightning.
i turned around n saw a man with his son.
i just kept quiet. yes.i wasnt patient.

*deep inside my heart was saying 'thank you for embarrassing me'.for my own good.

#4 - my atheist colleague continued telling me his mixed darwinism+rubbish belief.it wasnt pure evolution theory, but mixed with some sort of alien, UFO, and other rubbish. it's too ridiculous i felt like laughing hard and tell him straight "this is the 1st time i hear that kind of dustbin theory". luckily i was able to control myself.didnt say much. speechless in fact.it's too disturbing to have someone like him to have that kind of thinking.

*sometimes people can have disturbingly weird thoughts when it comes to faith (TRO schizophrenia?huhu)

#5 - i opened this blog and i saw:
wahai poi.ivy...
pengikut wahabi rupa2nya

*yeah yeah whatever. there comes another wahabiphobic chap.

p/s: sometimes dealing too much with human makes u feel like vomiting. Give me IV Maxolon 10 mg stat.

“The believer who mixes with the people and is patient with the harm they inflict is better than the believer who doesn’t mix with the people and isn’t patient with the harm they inflict,” as reported by Ahmad and others from Ibn ‘Umar.
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Serina

This week i make a new friend. A nice lady from Sabah, with brown skin and long hair. I never thought that she's a muslim, until she told me that she is also fasting. Today we talked more, while waiting for another patient for ERCP.
"So u are a Malay?" She doesnt look like typical Malay.
"No,I'm Kadazan."
"Oh.Many Kadazans are muslims?"
"No,most of them are Christians. I am born Christian"

"So ur family convert to Islam?"
"No,just me n my brother. My mother is not happy with it"
"I understand. Do u pray?"
"Skarang I cuba blajar jawi, nak blajar sembahyang, I tak pandai. Baru nak practise2.I tak tau mana nak belajar,I belum pergi pejabat agama lagi.Nak pergi pun tak tau kat mana,tak ada masa"
"So ur not officialy muslim la."
"Ya"
"But how's ur faith?"
"I percaya"
"Then ur a muslim already. U should go to pejabat agama n take shahadah fast, the other things can come later."

*Perbualan selanjutnya dirahsiakan.

She is the 2nd person i encounter with this problem since i was here. The first 1 is Sam,an indian guy, reverted to Islam when he went to Aceh. Considered Hindu in Malaysia, but a muslim in faith. I started suspecting him a muslim when he advised me for my oncall when i was still new "Yang penting u bla bla bla, jaga solat, bla bla" .Huh. Jaga solat? That's kind of weird for him to say such things. Jarang org bukan melayu guna perkataan solat. N after that,yes, i was right.
"Mak I kata concentrate kerja dulu, nanti dah balik Semenanjung baru fikir hal ni".
Dont know how is he now.

Saya terfikir, Is it important to make it official?

Ada satu perasaan dlm hati saya. Tapi tak tau apa dia.
Syukur?
Sedih?

Kasihani dan ampunilah kami ya Tuhan..
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adios amigos...

"Dan kami bagi mereka di dunia ini menjadi beberapa golongan; di antaranya ada orang2 yang soleh dan diantaranya tidak demikian.dan Kami menguji mereka dgn nikmat yang baik2 dan bencana yang buruk2 agar mereka kembali kepada kebenaran"
al-aaraf;168

"ok dr, D49 of antibiotic which D21 ampho B, D28 fluconazole. Currently well,taking orally well and ambulating well. lungs clear, abdomen soft and non tender.plan; continue antibiotic.".... itulah kata2 salah seorang pt paling lama sy di wad morning round pagi td.2 bulan.
"haha...bagus2" sy gelak.
"eh, ko ni kan kalau duk kat wad setahun jadi dr dah."tambah nurse.
"eh,mestila...dr,satu lg, tlg dischagekan pakcik sebelah sy ni,asyik batuk je, tak pasal2 dapat pneumonea pulak sy..."
"haha.." gelak lg,memg mencuit hati.menghilangkan penat post call sy.=)

Sy igt lg minggu lepas, pt sy ni nangis,
"dr. CD4 count sy tujuh dr, tujuh je...mati la sy...sy mesti mati cepat kan."nangis lagi...
"eh3,awak igt awk sorg je mati.ntah2 sy mati dulu kena langgar kete bila balik keje nanti"ayat penenang la konon nya,tp betul.
"sy nak terjun bangunan la"
"woit.suka hati je!belasah kang. doa lah banyak2,Allah tu maha mendengar"
"dr!!!" jawab dia geram.nangis lagi dan lagi.tutup telinga n guling2 atas katil dia.
"dr, sy nak terjun!"tegas.
cuak.
sy memang cuak.
"kejap tgu sy,sy panggil psychiatrist utk awak nak?"
guling2 lagi..
ya Allah permudahkanlah!!

(alhamdulillah.x terjun pun.panggil psy stat.ntah apa ntah dia cakap ngan psy tu...kalau tak, naik nama aku kat mortality audit esok harinya.alhamdulillah,dipermudahkan!)



tp esok team kami akan discharge kan dia.moga hari2 mendatang lebih baik bagi dia. biar apa sejarah silam dia.moga Alah mengampuni dan melindungi dia hingga akhir hayat.

"Dan apa sahaja musibah yang menimpamu adalah disebabkan oleh perbuatan tanganmu sendiri,dan Allah memaafkan sebahagian besar dari kesalahan2mu "as Syuura:30

moga Allah mengampuni n melindungi kita semua.

jalan terus!!!

.:"sungguh,kita berasal dr Allah dan akan kembali kepadanya.Ya Allah, berikan aku ganjaran dl musibahku ini,dan berikanlah ganti yag lebih baik darinya":. HR Muslim no.918


And here is the rest of it. Read more!